Tuesday, September 29, 2009


166 hours ago I was holding our Annie.  She was just two hours from departing this world. 
I can't believe it's been just 166 hours...almost 7 days...barely 1 week.

In that time we've arranged for her beautiful funeral; funeral director, burial clothes, burial plot, outdoor tent procurement, minister, friends, music, memorial fund, family travel & housing...  

Sometimes I just cry.  
Sometimes I have to play my guitar.
Sometime I'm sure I'm going to walk past her bed and see her smiling back at me.

Our Kate has said numerous times, "I'm so happy that Annie is with Jesus.  But when he's finished being with her she can come home."  
Someday she'll realize the truth of the matter and that makes me sad.

Our William has tried to stand stoicly through these days.  He doesn't like the tears associated with Annie's absence.  And yet, thankfully, he's cried too and spoken of his love for his sister.  

Nearly 7 days in this "club"--it's membership dues are too high if you ask me.
Only 7 days...and another 7 starts right away.

*A friend just called...divinely prompted to call us.  Thanks.  We're reminded that we are not alone in this 166th hour.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Every once in a while

When I talk about my kids.
When I share about the support of my wife.
When I talk about the meaning of my friendship with my buddy Troy.
I cry.

And when I speak these things in front of my church, well I cry then too.

I cried Sunday as I watched a guy named Marty stand at the altar and worship God with his hands raised.  I cried Sunday as I shared with the church the heaviness I feel in ministry and the inadequacy that exists in me.
I cried Sunday when my wife stood next to me and squeezed my hand in support and love.

I am not the "weeping pastor" but when I cry, you know it.  It's not just some misty eyed moment.  It's drippy. 

I value my wife, my kids, my friend and my church.  They are to me the Aaron and Hur as I feel, on a small scale, the weight and role of Moses.  I believe God is leading our church in ways like I've not noticed in the past 5 years.  There is a good land (even a promised one) ahead of us.  But man, it's a struggle.

We go together.