Life today

Today is a day of remembering for our family.
We mark September 22.
It is the day, 2 years ago, our Annie died.

Within moments of her death we were thrust into doing all sorts of weird things.  They were like out of body experiences.  The kinds of experiences where I remember looking at Sarah saying, "are we really doing this?"

• We drove away from the hospital with an empty car seat.
• We began planning her funeral.
• We even posted on facebook the news of her death. 

Strange experiences.

A day or so after Annie's death I drove by myself the couple miles from our home to the funeral home.  That drive replays through my mind in slow motion;  the long hill leading down into town, the gas station and all the people with their fountain drinks, the hardware store owner standing in the door of his shop.

I remember thinking, "No one has any idea that I am on my way to deliver an outfit for my daughter to be buried in."  There, on the seat beside me, were her clothes.

All around me life was still moving. Yet right beside me were the reminders of the end of Annie's life.

Today is like that.

William went to school and has soccer practice later.
Kate is taking her regular afternoon nap.
Eliza is on her second nap of the day.
Sarah has been leading the girls through their day.

I kept a commitment on my calendar that took up my entire morning through lunchtime.

Life keeps moving while simultaneously intersecting our grief.

(I still don't know what to make of that reality.)

I am anxious for our family to be together tonight.
We will spend time remembering Annie.
We may watch home videos of her or read through the journal we have of things we remember about her.

Whatever we do, we will move...forward, not on.   

 

*By the way, Sarah's thoughts today are captured (beautifully) here.  She's amazing!