Honesty

I've been wanting to blog recently but haven't done so. I even began the process of opening up a new blog because there's an itch in me to write openly and candidly. I was going to start the new blog, keep it anonymous and use it a means (almost a spiritual discipline) of speaking/writing more courageously. But I didn't do that.

You see over the past few months I've been on an enjoyable/unenjoyable journey. It's enjoyable in its outcome but has been fairly unenjoyable throughout. It's a journey I shared with my church last Sunday and a journey I fully intended to avoid. But I believe God had a different design.

There have been some rough edges in me, some dark days & weeks, and some spiritual issues I've not addressed. I believe it has taken its toll on my family, my ministry and me. It's been tough.

The real problem I have with it is I could have sidestepped much of it if I had been willing to listen to God. In early January I read from Psalm 15 these verses,

Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary? Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless and who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from his heart?

There they are in bold letters. The words intended for me and the words which I tried to crowd out of my existence. Ironic, isn't it? Yes, and somewhat sad.

So I stalled. I figured "God would let me off the hook" and those things I didn't want to face and those words I didn't want to speak...well, he'd understand. But if you've ever done this kind of dance with God you know (just like I already knew but chose to believe otherwise) that God doesn't let people off the hook--at least not without consequences and not after an immense season of grace and conviction. He poured on the latter two in massive quantity.

At the root: trust.

And why? I have no stinkin' idea. Well that's not totally true, I have some thoughts.

And now, how will I become more trusting? By trusting others and giving myself more fully.

That is hard for me.

I am able to position myself well. I can give the appearance of committed and connected all the while keeping my cards very close to my chest.

So I'm learning to play the game with joy again. I know I can't simply flash my cards to everyone at the table (to keep my euchre thought process going) but I do know that I there has to be a certain level of trust on my part as I sit at the table and engage with those in the other seats.

The freedom to speak again, to cry again, to begin trusting deeper came through the love, grace and mercy shown to me by my wife. She truly is remarkable. In her I felt the hands of my Savior receiving me and forgiving me. In her I see the marks of grace. In her there is a supernatural ability to love. I am a blessed man.

So I told my church some straight up stuff 2 Sundays ago.

We are in the midst of a retooling endeavor called, ReVision. As part of it we are digging into stuff like Mission and Core Values, etc. As part of the process we are sharing our work with the church--in small groups and in corporate worship.

I stood 2 weeks ago with a bulletin insert of ReVision info in my hand. I stood there knowing that the information and the process we are in is stuff some people in the church have been through before. Perhaps they've been through it at NBWC, perhaps somewhere else. Perhaps they've been through a process like we are in and at the end all of it all it just gets filed and begins collecting dust. Perhaps they've been through such a process only to have the Pastor leave during or shortly after its completion.

As I stood to share from the document my heart was at peace. I believe God freed me to speak in a way I haven't done in some time--if ever. I spoke a bit about my journey the past few months. I spoke of how I spent time online looking for open ministry positions. I spoke of how I spent time dreaming and praying that God would "get us out of North Branch". Then, oh then I spoke of how God has placed me here. Sarah and I cannot shake the calling we know we have to this place and to these people. I got to tell my congregation that I am not leaving. As I held that piece of paper in my hand I told them my plans are to stay. I told them that although I shouldn't be in North Branch, Michigan (from a human standpoint) I belong here. I wanted them to know that I believe in the future of our church. I believe in the change possible in our community. I believe the process of ReVision is good. I believe when ReVision is over I will still be here.

It's been a week + 1 day since I spoke.

People have been incredible. It's fun to receive their love...and to give it in return!

Old habits and thought patterns still invade. Ben Witherington, a fave ATS professor, always used to say, "God has to rewind the mind and retread the head."

I'm up for that journey, honestly.